My life consisted of suicide attempts, drug addiction, whoring around looking for love, getting raped at the age of 15, ex gangster boyfriend, and my first love who was diagnosed with cancer one year into our relationship.
I'm on two medications, citalopram 20mg for daytime and mirtazapine 45mg before bed otherwise I would probably wouldn't know what sleep is.
One of my greatest attributes ? I'd say manipulation, I am good at that. Although I hate myself for who I am and what I do, the meds kill off my emotions so hate is really just a word in my case.
I've learnt to understand that everything we feel is temporary, in some people's cases they last shorter, in others longer. But it will pass.
I don't take drugs a lot nowadays, or not often should I say - because when I do I go all on, no fucking about.
But it's rare, and when it does happen it's recreational, one thing I know for sure is that there is no chance that I could ever get addicted again. My head is too fucked from all these years of my amphetamine journey.
My anxiety gets so strong I feel like I want to die, and the only safe escape out of it is to take some sleeping pills and knock myself out for a few hours before I hurt myself.
I drink more often than I should probably, I will try and record how much I drink and when weekly on here, would be interesting to see how my self-medicating is going.
My life is pretty chaotic so I'm trying to stay focused and take it step by step.
So let's go back to me being a stripper...
The idea of becoming a part time stripper crossed my mind last year, I didn't have a boob job yet at that point and was pretty much flat chested but I was hoping that my face can make up for it.
I've been reading into it for at least 2 weeks before I decided to go to an audition, as my club I chose the most prestige strip club in London - Stringfellow's.
Invested in some nice cheap underwear set from Primark, high heels (I am 5.9ft and never wore heels in my life!), and thick false eyelashes hoping my anxiety will go away just like the imperfections on my skin when applying makeup.
The amount of money that I read could be earned from it and the confidence boost it gives you really did appeal to me.
I made my way down to the club trying to take my mind off what I'm about to do as much as I could. I felt low, I was drinking and getting on it the night before - so much for feeling fresh.
When I entered my bag has been searched and I've managed to hold a nice conversation with the security although I was shitting bricks.
When I walked in to the actual club I couldn't believe my eyes, it was like a castle, red velvet on the seats, diamond chandelier and golden details everywhere.
I asked one of the girls where do I have to go for an audition and who do I have to speak to, miserable cow she was - pointed me to the right direction so I went to introduce myself to the manager and got sent to the toilets to get changed. Even the toilets were lush.
I slipped my luminous pink dress on, easy to take off, with a zip down the front. Put my heels on (size too big) and made sure I look as close to perfect as possible.
I was told to sit down and wait for my turn, I started feeling the anxiety kicking in so I pulled out my phone to try and focus on something different. I HAVE TO GET NAKED IN FRONT OF STRANGERS !
I looked around a saw 3 girls sitting by the other table, it was clear that they're not here for an audition, they just had that confident look about them.
They were looking at me and talking between each other, I can't do it. I left.
As I was leaving the manager sarcastically said that was the quickest audition he's seen, I had tears in my eyes and just ran out.
This time it was different, I chose a different club to save myself embarrassment but also owned by Mr Stringfellow - Stringfellow's Angels.
I will try to continue this post later on tonight, if not tomorrow.
XOXOX
When I entered my bag has been searched and I've managed to hold a nice conversation with the security although I was shitting bricks.
When I walked in to the actual club I couldn't believe my eyes, it was like a castle, red velvet on the seats, diamond chandelier and golden details everywhere.
I asked one of the girls where do I have to go for an audition and who do I have to speak to, miserable cow she was - pointed me to the right direction so I went to introduce myself to the manager and got sent to the toilets to get changed. Even the toilets were lush.
I slipped my luminous pink dress on, easy to take off, with a zip down the front. Put my heels on (size too big) and made sure I look as close to perfect as possible.
I was told to sit down and wait for my turn, I started feeling the anxiety kicking in so I pulled out my phone to try and focus on something different. I HAVE TO GET NAKED IN FRONT OF STRANGERS !
I looked around a saw 3 girls sitting by the other table, it was clear that they're not here for an audition, they just had that confident look about them.
They were looking at me and talking between each other, I can't do it. I left.
As I was leaving the manager sarcastically said that was the quickest audition he's seen, I had tears in my eyes and just ran out.
This time it was different, I chose a different club to save myself embarrassment but also owned by Mr Stringfellow - Stringfellow's Angels.
I will try to continue this post later on tonight, if not tomorrow.
XOXOX
